Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Your Guide to Being a Good Tigers Fan in 2014

Today, I bring some friendly advice on how you, John or Jane Q. McTigerfan, can be a better Tigers fan and possibly a better person in the year 2014. Some of this I have covered in the past, but there’s no harm in a refresher course.

Hopefully, much of this will seem like a no-brainer to you, as Jim Leyland might say. Others may be confused about much that is written here. These people probably own a Brennan Boesch shirsey and think Hispanic players are lazier than the other guys.

Either way, take notes. Make the world a better place.


On The Internet

-Don’t bother players on Twitter.

Personally, I don’t follow many ballplayers on Twitter. I do follow Max Scherzer, Brandon McCarthy, and one or two others because they’re actually interesting and/or funny. But the majority of athletes, especially baseball players, are boring as hell on Twitter. Most aren’t even the ones tweeting. They have PR people that do it for them.

If you’re one of those out there that are constantly tweeting Verlander that you love him, offering Cabrera tips on his fielding, retweeting any generic remark made by Ian Krol, calling Robbie Ray a jackoff because you hate the Fister trade, or begging Torii Hunter for a retweet in an attempt to justify your existence, I think you need to seriously consider walking into oncoming traffic. Besides, if a miracle happens and one of them actually does tweet something interesting/a funny picture/a gay slur, it’ll be reported by any number of lazy local journalists as news on your favorite Detroit sites.

Use Twitter the way God intended it. Follow fellow fans and writers solely to call them disgusting names when you disagree with them. That’s what most people do to me, at least. I believe the only other acceptable use of Twitter is to pester Chris Iott with questions about the weather.

-Parody accounts are stupid.

While we’re on the Twitter thing, if you operate a parody account of “Fake Casey Crosby” or whatever, you are not original or funny. Trust me. If there’s one thing I’m an expert on, it’s being unoriginal and unfunny. So just stop.

/doodie joke

(Not a knock on my friend, Phil Coke’s Brain. I love PCB. I don’t consider him a parody, honestly. Is he? If so, fuck him.)

-If you leave a comment on a Detroit News article, it will be assumed that you are a mental patient.

I can’t help but read a few comments after every Henning article or one of Kurt’s pieces there. It’s a guilty pleasure of mine. The amount of ignorant nutjobs in our fanbase is mind boggling.

-C*A*S*T*E*L*L*A*N*O*S

I know it’s asking a lot to beg a group of people that never mastered the art of spelling “Raburn” correctly over a period of 7+ years, but please try and learn how to spell Saint Nick’s name properly before he’s eligible for free agency in 2020, okay?

At The Game

-Be polite.

Don’t get up in the middle of an inning. Don’t get wasted and puke/fall down on your fellow fans. Don’t arrive late/leave early. Don’t call Paws a cocksucker in front of little kids. Don’t injure someone while attempting to catch a foul ball. Wear deodorant. Don’t scream ignorant nonsense at the field for three hours. Don’t talk on your cell phone all night. When beating up an Indians fan in the parking lot, wish them a nice evening after. If you kiss someone during the “KissCam” half inning, make sure they at least know you. Most importantly, if you spot him at Comerica, don’t make snide comments about the 6’4 angry looking blogger dude’s Higginson jersey. He may kill you.

These are all common courtesy things that 100% of us shouldn’t have to be reminded of. Sadly, a majority of fans need to be.

-Never participate in The Wave.***

The Wave is stupid and anyone, especially the drunken frat douche ignoring the game that’s usually the one trying to start it, should be immediately shot in the testicles with a pellet gun. In fact, I think we should start one of those online petitions to pass a law that anyone starting The Wave should be burned alive during the seventh inning stretch. I’m all about family entertainment and life lessons. “See that, Joey? That could be you one day. The Wave is for commies. Learn from this.”

***Unless you’re under 12 years old. I’ll allow it if you’re a kid. Kids are amused by stupid things. It’s part of being a kid. Also, if you’re a kid, why the fuck are you reading this site? Go clean your room, you little prick. Also, don’t say words like “fuck” or “prick”. It offends people.

-If you are an adult male and you bring your glove to the park, you are an embarrassment to other adult males everywhere.

This goes without saying.

-Do not ask anyone for their autograph.

The fascination some folks have with bugging famous people to scribble their name on a piece of paper has confused me ever since I was a teenager. I just don’t get it.

“Hey, look at this, everyone! Danny Worth signed my program!”

“Wow. That’s great. Now get back to work, asshole. Those Wendy’s bathroom floors aren’t going to mop themselves.”

Just smile at the player and thank them for their hard work. Wish them luck. Maybe shake their hand. Flip off Steve Lombardozzi. You know…nice things. Don’t bother them to sign their friggin' name.

Autographs. I don’t understand people.

General Conduct

-Know what you’re talking about.

I have never claimed to be the all-knowing Tiger fan to lord above all others. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. (After all, this site is mostly for poops and giggles, a concept many out there struggle to grasp.) And neither should you. But if you want to discuss a topic, try to have some actual facts to back it up.

For instance, I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned it before, but I don’t care for Don Kelly. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been confronted by people, in person and online, that love to defend Donnie Baseball with mind-boggling statements. “He’s a better hitter than he gets credit for.” “His numbers would be better if he got more playing time.” “He’s got some decent pop in his bat.” There are no numbers in existence that back up any of these statements. Donnie Pleezandthanks is a nice man. I get that and accept that many like to cheer for him due to DK being such a sweet guy. But so is Mario Impemba. I don’t want to see Mario batting in an important game for my team, either.

A guy in a bar wearing an Inge jersey once got in my face over my remark that Brandon was a great fielder, but a shitty hitter. He insisted that Brandon hit over .300 a couple years before our conversation and that he was very underrated at the plate. This man obviously had a brain tumor of some kind.

If you like a guy I or someone else doesn’t, then like him. Good for you. But don’t just make up bullshit. I like Ryan Raburn and always have. 90% of you do not. Whatever. I happen to think he was and is a better player than most gave him credit for and don’t agree with how Jim Leyland used him. I don’t try to sway your opinion by saying Raburn would hit 40 homers a year if he batted third with Miguel Cabrera batting cleanup behind him. Because he wouldn’t. That’s stupid.

Please don’t be stupid. It’s not too much to ask.

-Don’t be racist.

If you’re fond of calling untalented white players “SCRAPPY” and cannot come up with a compliment for a black player other than he’s “WELL SPOKEN”, I don’t want to be in the same room with you. Ever.

-Fashion for tip for the ladies.

Wearing a Tigers jersey immediately makes you twice as attractive as you already are. But if it’s a pink jersey, it is to be assumed that you possess the IQ of a dead cat and have herpes.
-Know what players are on the team.

I remember at least two games last season where I heard someone around me ask the person they were next to if Inge was still around. Once, I heard a guy ask if Craig Monroe was starting…two years after C-Mo left the team.

Look. I don’t expect the average fan to be able to name Rick Porcello’s WHIP in 2010 off the top of their head. In fact, if someone could answer that without looking, I’d be terrified of them. But have some basic knowledge of your team if you’re shelling out $50 for a ticket, $25 for a hat, and $40 for an ugly Andy Dirks shirsey.

-Have fun.

This one gets lost a lot in today’s world. With the rise of the internet and my stupid addiction to Twitter during games, I myself admit to have lost much of the love of baseball that I once had. Everyone’s so angry all the time. They second-guess every decision the manager makes. Everyone’s a scout now and thinks they know more about Austin Jackson’s batting stance than the hitting coach or Jackson himself. The pressure to win now has people freaking out after every three game losing streak. And this stuff is contagious. Angry fans produce more angry fans.

It’s a game, kids. Have fun with it. Especially you newer ones. You guys want to be miserable? Build a time machine and be a fan of this team from 1989-2005 like I was. Holy hell, this team owes me a new liver for that time period.

World Championship or not, we are experiencing a great time to be a Tigers fan. Players like Miguel Cabrera, Justin Verlander, and Max Scherzer are the kind of stars you’ll be telling your grandkids about one day. Never forget that. This is supposed to be fun.

Be nice to each other. Appreciate the good times we have. Don’t take everything so seriously. Enjoy the ride.

/reads that Dirks is hurt and Kelly may start in LF against righties for a couple months

MOTHERFUCKING SHIT I HATE BASEBALL DAMMIT ALL TO FUCK DIE DIE DIE…

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