Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Chicago White Sox

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. Unless I'm too tired from work to make doodie jokes about baseball and it ends up being a day late...like today.

After yesterday's frustrating loss, the Tigers dropped to 9-7 on the young season and have scored 2 runs or less in 8 of their 16 games. Is the propaganda machine still spinning the “SMARTBALL” narrative? I think it's obvious that Miguel Cabrera isn't completely recovered from his offseason surgery and until he is 100%, this offense is going to struggle. Oh well. I'm sure JD Martinez will save us all.

Currently, our hated rivals from Chicago, the White Sox, are in town. They're still in rebuilding mode, but there's enough familiar faces on the roster for us to hate without any hesitation. Let's get into it.

Friday, April 18, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 (Not) Los Angeles Angels

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

After a split with the hated Tribe, the Tigers are now 7-5 with a half-game lead early on over the…Twins? Yes, you can tell it’s still early. Due to the horrid Michigan weather, the Tigers have played fewer games than any team in baseball so far. Nice job, schedule making geniuses. But even after only twelve games, it’s obvious that the team has serious holes at shortstop and the bullpen. Who could have seen that coming?

/wanking motion

Justin Miller to the rescue? Sigh.

Coming to town next is the Los Angeles, California Angels of Anaheim. Longtime readers of mine know there’s no love lost between Your Party Host and Angels fans. But for a change, I’ll be an adult and try to keep things civil in this Angels/Tigers preview.

APRIL 18TH FOOLS!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Cleveland Indians

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

So, the Tigers go out west and it’s in the 70’s here. Tigers come home…HERE COMES MORE SNOW. Mother Nature is worse than baby AIDS.

As usual, Detroit went out to Cali and played poorly. This should surprise no one that has ever watched Tigers baseball. But they’re now home for a while and it’s the first of approximately 80 games against the Indians this season.

Do you really need me to provide reasons to hate them? I didn’t think so. But we’ll go over this for poops and giggles, anyway.

Friday, April 11, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 San Diego Padres

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents. 

Seven games into the season and the Tigers are in first place in the AL Central at 5-2. Here’s an amazing stat that you won’t find on any other site: Detroit is 5-0 in games I’ve watched so far and 0-2 in the ones I’ve missed. Based on this amazing INDISPUTABLE science, the team should start paying me immediately to put up with Rod Allen’s idiotic nonsense for every game this season. 160-2 is still possible, Tigers brass. Get on it.

Up next on the Idiotic April NL West Coast Tour is a trip to San Diego to face the Padres. Due to my complete lack of caring about the National League and their stupid style of play, I pretty much had forgotten that the Padres even existed. Have they done anything since the 1984 World Series other than fattening up Tony Gwynn to comical levels?

Let’s find some reasons to hate the Padres. First I need to find out who is on their team other than Chase Headley and Joaquin Benoit. I honestly have no idea. Thank goodness for baseball-reference.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Los Angeles Dodgers

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents.

The Tigers sit at 4-1 with a 1.5 game lead in the AL Central as they head into their first road trip of the season. And it's off to Los Angeles for interleague...in April. This is stupid. We now get to watch our pitchers attempt to hit. Purists may enjoy it, but I prefer the only automatic out in the Tigers lineup being Don Kelly. It's just how I am.

The Dodgers are loaded on paper, but many of their stars have early season owies and are on the DL. Lucky us. Here's a look at the LaLa Land two game series and what to hate about them.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Baltimore Orioles

Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents.

Your Tigers remain 2-0 on the young season after Thursday’s rainout. Friday, the Baltimore Orioles come to town for a three game series. After that, the Tigers head out West for a road trip against National League teams. In April. Because Bud Selig. Whatever.

Okay, what do I know about the Orioles? Adam Jones plays there! I like him. Anything else?

Um…

Hmm. Is Robbie Alomar still around? Let’s take a look.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The Tigers Fan's Guide to Hating the 2014 Kansas City Royals

Howdy, boys and girls. Welcome to another season of Tigers baseball. Before Detroit plays a team for the first time this season, TigerSnark will be your source for all the IMPORTANT information you’ll need on their opponents.

Yes, I’m a bit late for this first one. Get used to it. I’m a busy guy.

/takes third nap of the day

Up first is every sportswriter’s “potential surprise team” for the fifth straight year, the Kansas City Royals. One of these days it’ll happen, guys. Keep believing that.